Hunger of the Pines

SONDER:: n. 

the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vidid & complex as your own -- populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries & inherited craziness -- an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you'll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

I crave to know these people: to create a lengthy book out of recycled paper and fabric where I can write down each and every life story. Recently I have decided to return to UVM (after leaving my first semester). I can not wait to live in a place where I finally feel like I fit in. I want to be able to share amazing experiences with amazing people & truly live for the first time since Alyson died.

Cheers to the experiences and people that await.

Away to the Farmside

Things have been so uniform for me these past few months, so being able to do my first long distance drive up to Vermont with a distant friend was like a breath of fresh air. Escape to someplace magical and cram all the things you love like thrifting, vegan food, and fun people all in three days. Never forget to put time aside for yourself & to figure out what you need in life. Escape to someplace magical.

"The divine sees into you. Without thought, without judgement, simply with clear awareness and unknowable love. Eternity is watching you this very moment. You and it are inseparably one."

Adventures of Tofu Scrambles

Life since she passed has been, unbearable. I dream of her struggles, and the poison that led her to heaven. I feel her presence in my mind and body. I fear forgetting the memories we shared. But as much as I mourn, karma is delivering me the opportunities I need right now. I have been debating transferring for a while now to pursue a career centered around sustainability and health, and it crossed my mind to go back to vermont. At the funeral, her roommate told me she said I would go back. Some people don't believe in signs, but I can't help but believe she is helping me realize what I need to do and when.

So... in honor of savoring the last bit of the tofu in my fridge, here is a recipe for this morning's tofu scramble:

Ingredients:

warning- all measurements are estimated as I normally am experimenting

- 1/3 package firm tofu

- 1/8 cup red bell pepper (chopped)

- 1/8 cup red onion (chopped)

- 1/8 cup yellow tomato (diced)

- 1 1/2 cups baby spinach

- 1 tbsp olive oil

- 1/8 tsp curry powder

- 1/6 tsp turmeric powder 

- 1/6 tsp chili powder

For garnish: chopped chipotle pepper & dash of nutritional yeast w/ ground pepper

Instructions:

1. heat olive on in medium size pan with olive oil. chop your vegetables and add them. 
2. before your vegetables begin to sweat, drain your tofu and place the block on a plate. place a folded paper town on top and top with a heavy object. this will drain some of the water out of your tofu which prevents your tofu turning mushy in the pan. 
3. after, throw your spinach and tofu in the pan. allow to cook for a few minutes before adding in your spices.
4. top with anything your heart desires and enjoy!

The Loss of Human Connection

We all have heard constantly about the reprecutions of our reliance on technology: link to cancer, loss of human connection, obesity, depression, etc. It may be hard to admit, but we are guilty. We all enjoy that morning scroll through all our social media apps. We feel as though it is the most thorough way to contact that long lost college friend. But have we become so connected that we forget there was a time where we could be active, mindful individuals? 

Recently I was looking at Kim Kardashian's instagram of my best friend. Even after shes left, I can't help but look for any trace of her that I can. But what really pulled me under were the comments people would leave. One claimed she had no right to say "SJU '17" on her instagram because she wouldn't even live that long.. Have we seriously advanced so far as a society only to take gigantic leaps backward?

I was always that little girl who jumped to ask her mother if she had mail before she even entered the room. Any invitation, letter, or thank you card put me on top of the world. Those simple times when we didn't need to know what strangers were doing, wearing, or eating. 

I feel like it's so easy for human beings to detch themselves from one another. We all exist. We are all human beings. So put down your phone, and remember that we weren't created to live isolated from the rest of the world.

A Soul in the Sky

Saturday night, I lost my best friend.

I tried my best to prepare myself for the day I knew was approaching. She had been sick for so long and the past few months everything seemed to enter a downward spiral. But as a 19 year old, there is no way to fully accept the loss of your best friend to a devil like cancer.

Eight years I had known her and now we will no longer have a future to share together. We won't be able to travel the world in her van. We won't be able to move to California together. We won't be able to grow up into Golden Girls together.  I am still walking around in a haze. It is like a huge fog is overflowing my mind and clouding my thoughts. I so badly want to cry yet all I have experienced are small tears that dissapear as soon as they come.

The concept of death is so new to me. It was something I myself had debated for a long time before she saved me from my demons. It was something she comforted my through when my grandfather past away earlier this year. And now she is gone.

Dating Yourself

(Posted originally in a contributation to Tumble Magazine)

I have constantly been faced with the challenge of figuring out my own intentions. Sometimes we get so absorbed in pleasing others, that we forget who we even are without the pressure of our peers breathing constantly down our necks. First & foremost, we have to ask ourselves why pleasing others is even important to us. Is it so we can feel like we are part of a whole? Or because we are afraid of the possibility of being alone? When you are able to answer that, you can finally approach the possibility of pleasing yourself before all else. 

Step One: Take advantage of alone time. In the morning, wake up a half hour before your family, boil water and add a squeeze of lemon, & retreat outside to listen to the world that surrounds you. If you are accustomed to waking up halfway through the day, then find a quiet place in your home, close your eyes, & listen to your breath. I have come across countless people who are incapable of alone time; however, if we can’t be alone with ourselves, how can we be alone with others?

Step Two: Discover your likes/dislikes/hopes/dreams. You don’t want to become that person who halfway through their life, discovers that they have been living according to someone else’s expectations. Don’t join a club just because your friends are. Branch out. Do something that interests you. I can assure you that you will meet people far more similar to yourself. Once you figure out what makes your heart tick & your mind race, don’t let it go. You may be one of the lucky individuals who is able to do what they love everyday (something that has become so rare).

Step Three: Learn to let go. Teenagers (girls especially) are constantly getting absorbed in ridiculous conflicts over boys, ditched plans, or silly name calling. Ask yourself: why do you care what anyone thinks of you? If you think you are the best version of yourself that you can be, then screw the people who have a problem with you. If they call you a bitch, who cares. If a boy breaks your heart, then it just was not meant to be. Move on, brush it off your shoulder, & be the mature one in the situation.

     Above all else, learn to love yourself. Love the birthmark on your stomach, the stretch marks on your thighs, your strengths & your weaknesses. By discovering who you are and staying true to your beliefs, you will never have to waste your time with people who can’t appreciate how wonderful you are.

A Voice Among Thousands

Just a few months ago, I was approached by an increasing number of people proclaiming that I was a "hippy". Funny story being I used to think everybody in Vermont was a hippy but myself. I guess that's what happens when you begin to care about more than yourself and the little sliver of the world that surrounds you. 

I chose to go to the Climate March in New York City about 36 hours before it began. Spur of the moment on Saturday night I drove with a friend (who's apartment I stayed at) right after I got out of work to her house in Brookelyn. People I am the cruise down Vermont's one-lane highways type; I am no city driver. The next morning after visiting the cutest boutique cafe, we embarked on the world's most packed subway with our fellow climate marchers.

Simply the energy is enough to attend. Each person was able to chose a category that may have influenced their participation or how they label themselves, and then march among these peers. I however, felt like I didn't have one single reason. I was there for Sandy victims, for vegans, for Vermont, I have a solution, etc. etc. I was there to empower change and add a small voice to our ongoing revolution for climate justice. My life has changed dramatically since that day.

(Lazy Ibis: Brookelyn, NY -- best iced coffee w/ almond milk)

 (I swear we were butt-to-butt)

(March of Silence @ 12:58)

We are all connected in more ways than we know. Even if it is simply changing to a reusable water bottle, creating a compost, or walking to the store.. it's a difference that counts.

" I am the dust in the sunlight, I am the ball of the sun. I am the mist of morning, the breath of evening. I am the spark in the stone, the gleam of gold in the metal, the rose and the nightingale drunk with its fragrance. I am the chain of being. "